I FEEL SICK AS STUFF. HEAD FEELS LIKE IT'LL BLEED OUT MY RIGHT EAR. TINNITUS MAKES ME HONE DEEPLY UPON THAT. NAUSEA IS IN WAVES. HOT NOT. COLD, YES. EYES, SHIT THEY ACHE AND ACHE. I WANT TO FIGHT IT WITH EVERYTHING I GOT BUT INSTEAD IM WEAK ENOUGH TO MAKE SMARTER DECISION OF JUST STAYING IN BED. THIS DOES NOT HELP WITH NAUSEA. ASPRIN AND IBUPROFEN DOES NOT HELP AT ALL. MATTER OF FACT, IM THINKING IT MAKES MATTERS WORSE TAKING IT WITH HOPE AGAINST HOPE, WASTING ENERGY SAYING I CAN DO THIS OR THAT, AND DOING THIS OR THAT TILL I JUST DIE WHEN SUMMONED AND GET LOVED ON. ITS TOO MUCH PAIN. 
LET ME GET THROUGH THIS. DAD TOLD ME HE BROUGHT A PUP HOME THAT GOT EATEN HALF TO DEATH BY HIS OTHER DOGS. BROUGHT TWO OF MY FRIENDS IN TO HELP CLEAN UP BLOOD AND RELIEVE HIM OF THE PUP. NOW HES CALLING ME ASKING FOR HELP. I CANT HANDLE THIS SITUATION. THE DOG HAS LOST HER FRONT RIGHT LEG. THE BLOODSHED IS TOO MUCH. I HAVE TO SHUT IT ALL OUT. CLOSE MY EYES AND CLEAR THE MIND. MAYBE LISTEN TO MUSIC. I DONT KNOW. I FEEL LIKE SHIT.. NIGHTMEARS ARE ON THE PROWL. DEATH CALLED AND BEAUTIFFULLY INVITED ME TO CARESS A LIONESS WITH CURLY HAIR AND A SVELT COOING PURR AND GROWL BUT INVITING ROLL TO ITS BACK, ITS HEAD ON MOTHERS LAP EYES SHUT AS IF TO SAY THIS FEELS GRAND, MORE PLEASE. DEAD DOG DREAMS, WEIRD PORPOISES WITH TINY ELEPHANT LEGS IN AN EXTRAVAGANT POOL AT AN EXTRAVAGANT HOME WITHOUT MY ABILITY TO SEE LIVE PEOPLE BUT ABOLITY TO HEAR THEM AND TO HEAR THEM SAYING THEY JUST CANT SEE THIS DOG I PREVIOUSLY PUT TO FOREVER SLEEP, HERE IN FRONT OF US, ALIVE AND WELL IN THE POOLALONGSIDE THE STRANGE PORPOISE WITH TINY ELEPHANT FEET. AND RECENTLY, IVE NOTICED A CURIOUS THING. SOMETHING THAT HASNT HAPPENED IN A WHILE. TWO THINGS, ACTUALLY. FIRST IS FEAR. SECOND IS THE SYMPTOM. ACCELERATED HEART RATE. OH, AND THREE. BUTTERFLYS IN THE STOMACHE. BUT THIS HEADACHE. ITS SO UNBEARABLE. I DONT KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITH IT. IF I STILL FEEL THIS WAY TOMORROW, I WILL SEE A DOCTOR. 

A ptsd fit

Here is what its like
George needs halp with his computer. I know my xousin is aces with that. I call him and hand George the phone. They talk. George hangs up. He says Jons on his way. Jon lives in Tennessee. Tomorrow, he'll start the jpurney. Tomorrow morning at 10:20, i tell the doc ive been too hard on myself. Please burn and destroy my baby maker, then, becaise ive been bleeding since january 26th and its november 21, id like not to be depressed because when jon comes out here, dad will route me out like mason. Like mason with phoney

Hrmph.

Today? Gross. Had a day off. Thats about it.

Trauma today stems from

Hi again everyone, welcome to my daily review. Today Oklahoma is in such a state of disrepair for medical help. This includes inpatient help, adult day care programs, people who are working because of Oklahoma department of rehabilitation services will be laid off at the end of this month. Outpatient therapy for those with mental illness will be terminated. This includes any kind of talk therapy for any child ever traumatized. Medicinal therapy only. Its not a request for political help. Its a request for mental illness professional help. Either way, because of those in the political spotlight denying such request, leaving people who do work their tail end off to help those in need of societal normalcy, will lose their job. It doesn't matter how dedicated the professionals are, nor how long they've worked their field, decades, some of them. They will lose their job because holding that position any longer will now be considered, illegal. I thought we were the ones who were mentally ill. Some of us will have to recon with the fact there no longer be anyone who is able to answer the telephone during a suicidal or homicidal tendency call for help. There will be massive amounts of homeless folk who are completely incapable of care for themselves. Caregivers will not be able to care for their loved ones.

So me n the boss had a talk.

Yes, the boss and I had a talk. It really was due time. It really takes so much out of a person to have someone who is prejudiced against any probanility of me doing anything right at work. But in all reality, this person is so afraid of people in general not following through, that it shows. Big time. She is compliant with being frustrated with everyone, especially herself. The anxiety and fears kick in about so much, that she seems to be biting off more than she can chew.
That, my friends is what goes through the head of someone who is PTSD compliant. Searching vigilantly for an answer as to why someone said something to you at 2:15 about the teline at work. Then, the PTSD states that this person is to take your core values away, giving you a completely new identity. Like the last person. And the person before that and so on
 So, I thought it through. I was feverishly trying to comprehend why this person, yet again, sounded in disgust with me over my work performance.
You've been here since 8 am, its 2:15, and you're only on your 8th rack?
Yes ma'am.
Barbara!
While working, I began to ask questions.
Are we supposed to get our own hangers?
What ever happened to when it was written on the calendar, in your own handwriting that racks get done at 3pm?
So one person gets handed everything, and I get compared to that person?
I don't even know whats supposed to be right and wrong.
That rule, "by 2:30, was drafted yesterday, told to the hangers yesterday?"
Oh, it has been that way for a long time now, and I'm just now hearing about it?
Yes, its 3:00. Yes I have all my racks done.
How did I get 3 racks done in an hour?
Look. Have you seen my facebook page? No? Why was I the only clown at the capital, with face paint on with words across my face reading don't silence us. At the rotunda. While everyone else was holding up signs about oil, and wind. I was there to fight for the rights of the people who I love and work with, while today, I feel this establishment may be falling through. That not only my job is on the line, but 5 people will be laid off at the end of the month, and I ask you for specifics on how you want this job done better by me for you and you can come up with how i an taking half hour breaks, while i cant clock back in because you and joe were at the computer, and i reapected that, though i had no time to write in why i was late in getting in, while if i did, you would ask me, as you have in the past on several ocassions, why i would think of discussing you on the notes. Katherine, i want you to tell me what to do to make sure my job is done right.
She says, I'm done with this conversation.

Later on that day

Five people are being laid off from the Goodwill work crew, previously known as Enclave, at this store alone. Enclave is where the disabled are integrated into 

Next morning at work

Sitting outside, having a smoke, wondering what the legislature will do next.

Read the bill. 

Vote on it. 

Its not an upside down pyramid.